While researches are advancing in various techniques in order to solve the problems of marriage, the key to the healthy relationship is one: the self. Every problem life and love comes from the owner of the life. If you know how to keep love, or how to stay in the state of love, you will never betray yourself. Therefore, staying true to yourself without compromising your core truth, you will never fall in love with a wrong person to begin with.
"Every relationship develops in the same pattern and during their relationships people face the same challenges. What saves the love is the knowledge of how to handle those challenges," - says Diane Sollee, executive director of the Coalition for Marriage and Family Education, Washington, D.C. Of course, it is very important to sharpen communication skills in order to have successful relationships. However, the core of the problem that causes relationships to deteriorate, situated beyond the interpersonal communication. Working on the level of interaction hits the surface, providing immediate relief, but does not eliminate the root of the conflict. According to the U.S. Bureau of the Census , most common grounds of divorce are the following: 1.Cruelty 2. Desertion 3. Adultery 4. Alcoholism 5. Felony conviction 6. Nonsupport 7. Impotence Note that cruelty, a quality that belongs to the human ego is on the first place and impotence, that stands for a physiological disorder is on the last.
The answer of a healthy relationship lies within the individual's ego, not between two individuals. The main problem of human relationships springs when the lower aspects of human psyche begin to dominate. Eliminating negative qualities of ego like anger, jealousy and cruelty have to be the main focus of the marital therapy. Both working on the "self" aspect and developing better communication skills can be the answer to the skyrocketing divorce rate. The skills of ego purification were given to human race thousands of years ago in form of Vedas, Bible and other spiritual literature. These sources state that only unconditional love can purify the ego from negative qualities. True love is God, or spirit, that pervades the Universe and makes "world go around," as the proverb says. In the same time, human love is a personal quality with its roots within the ego. Ego is imperfect; it's a center of pride, jealousy, and possessiveness. The only way to eliminate these human qualities or at least, to keep them at bay, is to connect human love to the higher aspect of the self, to the God within. Finding this point of pure love inside brings ability to be in the state of love all the time. Having or not having the object of love is not important: love pervades all. Every individual has an access to this source of ultimate love within, which can be reached with a prayer.
The Evolution of Love
Understanding the evolution of love, from the first spark of attraction to the final union of hearts is useful to foresee and avoid possible conflicts. Every relationship develops in the spiral movement striving towards the center where the ultimate unity between two partners dwells. Love relationship strives to the point of complete unity within a couple and to the point of unity with God within each individual simultaneously. As a result of this process, the very core of a person's ego is energized and purified from jealousy, anger and other human-like issues. The relationship between two individuals becomes purified as well and turns into the heavenly fairytale-like lifelong love affair. All human relationships suffer from issues of cheating, insecurity, anger, boredom, etc. Take a closer look at where all of these personal disabilities are coming from.
The diagram to your left is called a tree cut of relationships, or a relationship Mandala. The trunk of the tree cut on the picture represents the personal world of a human being, the microcosm, or the home of the self. Outside of this intimate circle is a world that is situated outside of a human being, called the macrocosm. The world outside is full of potential love partners, called "pool of sexy strangers." They dress nicely and groom themselves to attract as much attention as they can. The pool of sexy strangers serves to meet new people. When affection and recognition is mutual, two individuals feel magnetic attraction and fall in love. The desire is awaken and two people invite each other to enter the first and outermost level of their selves, giving way to the first circle of their relationship: excitement.
The Excitement
Nervousness, dizziness, feeling high and attempts to impress, sometimes talking and acting silly are the indications of this stage of a new relationship. The excitement heats the blood and makes the heartbeat faster. Adrenaline rush, goose bumps and broken breathing are the side effects of newly sprung love affair. This is the most romantic and beautiful time, when the purity of the first kiss reflects the purity of oblivion and not knowing what lies beneath.
The Discovery
Later, in a few weeks or months of exiting dates a couple comes to the next level: the discovery. People becoming aware of personal qualities of each other, becoming more analytical and perhaps, critical to each other's identities. Partners explore each other's mind, emotions, body and if capable, soul. A person discovers all the good and bad things about another partner, learning his faults, virtues and vises. People begin to judge each other and as a result, enter a crisis. The Holy Scriptures foresaw the issue of judgement and advice against it. The excitement of the first kiss is gone, leading way to a deeper connection and the next stage of the relationship via crisis.
The Crisis
Every layer or stage of relationship is separated by a crisis. A crisis leads ether to a break up or to the next stage of the relationship. Do not be scared by a fight or emotional storm that could occur during the journey towards the center. If partners are dedicated to each other and willing to learn how to handle a problem, the relationship will spring from ashes of an argument like the legendary immortal bird Phoenix. When a person finds himself bouncing back with every partner at one or another level all the time and never makes it to the next level, that person has a problem. Of course, the problem lies not in the person you travel with, but in yourself. Be prepared and aware of the next amazing level of your trip to the land of true love. Tango together through every crisis with all the passion that you posses just to find each other more in love and at the next beautiful stage full of wonders: adjustment.
The Adjustment
A successful adjustment makes a true couple, who compromises, cares and forgives. Partners willingly make efforts to tame themselves in order to keep peace and happiness and to avoid rough corners. Becoming round and fluid with one another is an art that doesn't take place instantly. Becoming a harmonious couple is a result of long, patient and constant work. To arrive to a happy end, begin with yourself, not with your partner. Helping your partner to adjust is acceptable in a form of suggestion or a sweet trick, but nothing more. If partners will make attempt at breaking each other's ways, this relationship will experience a painful ending. Do not break anyone, including yourself, only adjust. When both partners know how to relate to each other from the point of love, this stage should not be very dramatic. As a result of adjustment, the crises in a form of marriage or moving together might occur. Or, if adjustment was not successful, a union will certainly brake up and both people will bounce back to the outside pool of sexy strangers just to make the same long way to this point again, but with another person. In the modern, and especially, American society, filled to the brim with individualism and egoism, the adjustment becomes close to impossible. This is another reason of high divorce rate. However, if it happens successfully, it is wise to get married, because the couple has passed the test of adjustment and living together will be comfortable. At this point, you earn a partner with who you can share all your joys and sorrows-if you didn't lie to each other to begin with. It's not wise to lie to anyone including yourself, because it is a waste of time and the trip will lead to nowhere, called Hell. If the adjustment was sincere, a person will win a lifetime friend and a playmate. Yes, everything good takes work.
The Point of Love
Of course, for a successful relationship the point of love have to be found first. To find this center, connect to yourself in meditation. If you have never done it before, you need to find your center, your truth immediately--otherwise how can you live? Practice silent meditation: listen to your heartbeat and the silence inside, stop the noisy mind. When you will reach the point of silence and absolute mental stillness, you will hear the voice of your own self, your truth. You will feel love pure and divine, love towards no one, just love. If you feel this, you have found your center. This is what Christians call " being born in Christ." Begin your new life from here.
The Familiarity
After passing the crises, you moved together just to face yet another dimension of your relationship: familiarity. Now you call yourself a family, and you become very familiar with each other. Familiarity has both up and down sides. The upsides: security, peace, relaxation, guaranteed dinner and sex. The downsides are boredom, sluggishness, quarrels and unattractive appearance. Life becomes very mundane unless partners will put an effort to make life interesting. As a crisis at this level, most couples decide to have children. Children are very exiting and never leave anyone bored. They are lovely cute little people who fill life with different kind of love, purpose, laughter and of course, worries that are also part of fun. Still, familiarity will lead to a routine with or without children. This is where people might begin to blame each other for their unfulfilled desires. As a crisis, cheating may occur. Or divorce, based on cheating, unless a couple become swingers. Here, many man and women bounce back to the pool of sexy strangers seeking excitement refuge from the old stale relationship and find themselves painfully lonely. It's not wise to break the relationship at this stage just to bounce back to the pool of sexy strangers, considering of how much work and efforts is already invested. It's only advisory to proceed to the next, and the last level of complete and perfect unity, the stage of unconditional love.
The True Love = God
I'd say, finally, the true love. The true love This is the most difficult level to come to, but the ones who go forward are blessed for the rest of their lifes with union of souls. Two fools become a King and a Queen of each other. They reach love that is unbreakable and is not under any outside conditions of ego: pride, greed or jealousy. This is the world of complete satisfaction, fulfillment, and perfect harmony with one another and themselves. This is a place of love that equals God. If a person keeps bouncing back, he will never reach the point of fulfillment of the true love. Every soul wants to find union with God, the spirit, who is its true home. People, who keep bouncing back and never reach the center, are perpetually homeless. Human relationships mirror how people relate to the phenomena of the self. It might sound like a controversy, but to find a perfect relationship outside of yourself you first need to find a perfect relationship within yourself. One process helps another; the evolution of an external relationship helps your personal growth and vice versa. The ultimate goal of every relationship is to bring it to the very center, where the Ying and Yang, the male and female principles of the Universe meet in the perfect balance. The symbols of the Cross and the Star of David reflect this concept in every culture, since essentially people of every nation are the same. At this center of the self-realization, an individual soul meets Spirit and this is the mystery of Tantric union. When a couple comes to this center together, the looks, or age, or any external qualities loose their significance. I would like to quote from the "Cloud Tectonics" by Jose Rivera. A woman, who is also a timeless Goddess, speaks to her lover: "I wonder what it would be like to love you in every age of your life…To love the little boy you were, and hold your hand, and lead you across the street, and kiss your fat little stomach, and comb your litle boy's hair. And than, later, to love the old man you've become, and kiss your deep wrinkles, and smooth out the gray hair, and delight your wise and tired heart, and stare into those mysterious eyes, past the cataracts, and deep into you, to the green landscapes where you never age. Wouldn't it be sweet to have that kind of love?…The love of a lifetime." Without connection to the Spirit people bounce back to the pool of sexy strangers, wondering in the endless space, hopelessly seeking for that perfect partner in every pair of eyes. As time passes, a person clutches at any stranger out of desperation just to make the same trip to the same station he got off last time, never reaching the point of love and happiness. Who is the one I am looking for? The truth is, any person can be your perfect lover if he has some integrity, and with every person you can experience true love. You don't need to wait for a prince on a white horse. Instead, begin to work on yourself. Find your center of truth and love and stay there. Turn to your present partner and invite him to your center. Don't say a word about it - just be in your center and think of your partner. If you will be able to keep him/her in that center, you will have the true love. Unfortunately, most people have a tendency to bounce back to the pool of the sexy strangers, cheat and loose concentration and connection to their lover. But if you keep the connection in your heart to your partner, you will not have an urge to look around. If dissatisfaction comes, find the source of this dissatisfaction in yourself, not in your partner. Everything that is out there beside your true love is only a game, a theatre, and not the reality. This is the theatre that Shakespeare was referring to in his "Seven stages of life." The reality is truth of the center that remains the same, untouched by any circumstances. This is the true love, so keep it.
Why people fall in love?
What is that strange longing which drives people to have relationships and entangle into passions, doubts, dreams, quarrels, jealousy, tears and other disturbing things. Why we fall in love? The first reason, is a basic instinct of procreation: every woman desires a man to have children with under demand of the Mother Nature. Men want to sow the seed under the same demand, without often realizing, what stands behind their sexual desire. The second reason for having a relationship is an escape from loneliness, as every individual is essentially lonely. This sense of loneliness comes from separation from God. Upon finding love, that is God, according to the Bible, a person finds the lost God inside and experiences a complete fulfillment. A person can always dive in the pool of sexy strangers for fun, alone or together with his partner. During these dives hold your true love sacred and untouched by the confusion and fun crazy mess of the outside world. The reason of skyrocketing numbers of divorce is the loss of inner truth and love. The church doesn't help in finding it anymore. A person must learn how to look inside, find his true love and keep it.
Soul Mates
Usually this is the women's issue, but some especially sensitive men are looking for their true "soul mates" too. Some people wait for a lifetime for their soul mate to come, but the soul mate doesn't show up. So, these people feeling lonely and desperate, loosing faith in true love; magic intimacy becomes solely a property of their dreams. Soul Mate is a term that describes a connection on the level of the soul, a very subtle and powerful connection. However, souls do not have gender as a body does. If you are looking for a good lover, look for the body "chemistry," because this is all that matters in order to have a good sex. If you are looking to create a lasting relationship with the person, pay attention to his/her personality. And if you want to go to heaven together, look for a soul mate. Of course, combination of all three matching perfectly would be the best ride, but how often does that happen? Fortunately, we all have bodies, personalities and immortal souls that have ability to adjust. Communicate, and find your soul mate in the closest person you have known for years and taking for granted. She/he has a soul, too!
